Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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