So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
