just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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