My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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