i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Does Jim keep sending you pics of him in drag too???? If so, are you also slightly uncomfortable?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
