I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
Randomize
