Four minutes until I can fart!
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
