I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
