Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
