i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
