She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
