3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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