the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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