No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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