i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Randomize
