ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
