absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
