Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
