She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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