I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
I was not drunk enough for that final.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
