Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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