My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
