If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I woke up under a house in Key West
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