I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
