I love black thongs
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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