Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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