please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
