I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
