I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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