She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
