It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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