fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
