Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
