i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
The Olympian is in my bed
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
