I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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