This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
