The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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