I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
