my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
