just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
