She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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