if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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