the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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