I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
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