cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
