$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
Randomize
