Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
