Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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