drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
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