yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize