remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
