No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
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