i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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