At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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