i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
