oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
