I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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