It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
