I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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