I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
