well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
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